Wedding Wonderland

Today wasn't actually supposed to be an all-day fall down the wedding rabbit-hole, but it turned out that way.

We had a very simple plan: pick up a dresser in Belleville (I love Craigslist) and go by Savvi Formalwear for paperwork, because I stood in a phone booth and grabbed money.

A little explanation is required here.

Back last fall, my stepmother Karen and I went to a bridal show so I could scout prices. We spied the booth for Savvi Formalwear, and they had a glass phone booth in which air blowers were circulating wadded-up bills. Brides entered and had fifteen seconds to grab money.

Karen practically shoved me into the thing, mostly because she wanted to see my hair flying around in the wind, I swear. Rather than grab at flying dollar bills like an idiot, I just cupped my arms above my waist and let it accumulate for fifteen seconds. Then I dumped the armful into the lady's bin and watched them count it.

Silly me, I thought I'd get to keep the money. No, the $180 I'd grabbed was my credit toward our rentals at Savvi. I was losing interest, but they told me with five rentals I'd get a groom's tux free, and that caught my attention because we are on the hook for three tuxes: Jimmy's and both sons. They had Karen once they said we'd also get two free airline tickets; see, Karen and Dad have offered to buy our honeymoon as their wedding present, so that works out nicely for them. Karen tossed them the $20 deposit to hold this deal, and we wandered away.

Fast forward to last week, when Savvi called me. They said we needed to come in and sign papers for our deal, and that would cement our free airline tickets. Now, I still don't believe for a second that we're really getting two free tickets to the Caribbean out of this. The most important thing I have learned from the wedding wonderland is that there is always some catch preventing them from giving me whatever spectacular deal is advertised on a giant banner at a bridal show. There's going to be some provision that we can only use the tickets on Tuesdays during Ramadan or something.

Still, we wanted to do our best to save Dad and Karen money. So after we picked up the dresser, we went to Savvi for our paperwork.

Jimmy may not care about most of the wedding nonsense, but he cares about the tuxedo. He wanted black tails, the most traditional of menswear. It's kind of funny that he is such a super-traditionalist in all things, whereas I'm pretty much "yeah, whatever." Whether it's awful wedding marches, men in tails or his insistence that he is going to carry me over the threshold like we haven't been living together for a year and a half, he is Mr. Tradition.

The funny thing is, traditional tails are very out of fashion. Last year we'd checked out other places, because catching dollar bills in mid-air is a silly way to choose a vendor. Men's Wearhouse told us that they hadn't booked a wedding in tails all year. They also told us we could choose between a free tux for the groom or a $500 credit toward a suit, which sounded like a fine deal until you realize their suits started at about $800.

Savvi dug out the tails, all two varieties, and Jimmy chose what he wanted. At first we put the vest and coat on Ian, but the blue Superman T-shirt kind of ruined the effect.

As you can see, Ian is absolutely thrilled about this part of the process.

The salesgirl then dressed a dummy in the dark blue vest and coat, and it looked really spiffy. Of course, a dark blue vest was only if we could match it to the bridesmaid dresses I haven't picked at a store I haven't chosen for bridesmaids we haven't asked yet. Thank goodness it's not carved in stone.

Jimmy changed his mind when he saw the gray vest with the black tux, and it was really quite dashing. Ian even managed to contain his snark; apparently he thinks the tails will make them look like waiters.

I personally can't wait for their rendition of "Puttin' on the Ritz," in the best Mel Brooks style.

Then I had a little fun taking pictures of the lady measuring Jimmy for his tux. We did not bother to have her measure Ian, since he will probably grow a foot taller before the wedding.

It's been a long time since Jimmy was in the military, but for some reason he decided it was a good day to stand at attention. Hut!

Then she had to measure that barrel chest of his.

I'm still pretty sure he's not breathing

Then she had to measure his leg. Awkward. I'm being mean, she was very sweet and helpful and I'm sure there was a very good reason for this stance...

Jimmy has no idea why she made him perform a Nazi salute.

You're not supposed to be able to tell that he's still wearing the Godzilla T-shirt underneath this.

Jimmy is forbidden to wear a Godzilla T-shirt under his tux at the wedding. I shall instruct the groomsmen thusly.

"Can you breathe, sir?" I'm pretty sure he can, since it fits fine, but he's still at attention. Those funky stripes are not on his tux, by the way - this is the special fitting tux that tells them how long his arms are, so he can't flap his wings and fly away.

For the love of God, darling, it's just the first fitting, breathe!!

Poor Jimmy. Don't worry, I'll humiliate myself later.

We did get into a bit of a wrangle with the Savvi people. It seems that since tails are so far out of fashion, they're considered a "value" tux, and thus the cheapest. Awesome! Except they can't apply further discounts to value tuxes, such as my $180 bridal show catch.

That's when I lost my sense of humor fast, as this is about the fifteenth time a good deal has been reneged at the last minute, and I keep walking away. I told them that wasn't declared to me at the show, where I had mentioned the tails, and that the show credit was the reason we chose them. Killing the credit when we have to cover three tuxes took my costs from $40 to $200, and that's unacceptable. Perhaps guessing that they were losing me fast, they conferred quickly and made me a great deal: the boys for $20 each as well as Jimmy's freebie. That, folks, is how you keep a customer.

We signed on the dotted line. We have booked our first vendor. It also made Karen's long-ago $20 deposit nonrefundable, so I guess that means we really have to go through with this thing.

We grabbed a quick Starbucks while Ian quickly ditched us to go "do his thing." Which pretty much means shopping for things he can't afford while not being seen with boring grownups. We skimmed over the little bag of freebies Savvi gave us - we don't seem to be able to walk into or out of a store without a bag of free stuff, folks.

The most ludicrous item yet: a fan that displays the shiny laser name of some real estate company.

I cannot make this up.

We spied a special deal: register at Dillard's and you'll get a $25 gift card. Now, we're already registered at Macy's and Bed Bath & Beyond, plus the Gift 360 thing that lets us combine everything on one page. Three department stores seems a little over-the-top. But we are craven opportunists and can't resist a freebie. Plus there are a few things we didn't find at the other places, like a comforter set that doesn't make my eyeballs scream and roll back in my head trying to hide.

So we meandered over to Dillard's, and the friendly people there put a scanner in Jimmy's hand. This is his favorite part. Scan, beep and glow: the little registry screen shows what we just scanned. His mad cackle echoed through the housewares department. Scan scan scan! Panini press, waffle maker, that ludicrous KitchenAid stand mixer with five billion attachments... That man is a danger with a scanner in his hand.

We did the whole china thing again, figuring this way people can pick which store they want. Or something. It's not like we actually expect to get anything; but it's kind of fun to plan. Hey, if nothing else it gives me a wish list for future Christmases and birthdays. Hint hint, Jimmy. (Though the panini press is ridiculous, dear.)

Finally we escaped the mall and were passing Jared Jewelry. We had been there months ago, right after the engagement, and picked out a ring I liked. Again, we needed to know what things would cost, so we could save. We stopped at Jared on impulse, and were pleased to see that the lovely ring we picked out before is still available (though $50 more expensive than it was last year). 

We looked at wedding bands, with a little more freedom now; Jimmy was working with heavy machinery at the factory, so we thought a tungsten or cobalt ring was all he could have. Now he can have anything, and scanning through the case he stopped and said, "HEY." Nothing has caught his eye in this whole process as much as the ring he saw: a lovely ornate band with lots of detailed scrollwork. Funny; out of all the men's rings, that's the one I liked best, too. I had thought it too ornate for his style, yet it was the one he picked out.

Naturally we asked the price. "$99," she said. I thought I had heard her wrong and asked her to repeat it. Turns out it's a stainless steel ring, so it's supercheap. Bingo. I think I'm definitely getting the better deal here. We are not buying yet, but it's good to know what we can get and how cheap we can get it.

Speaking of cheap, our next stop was Goodwill. Not for wedding stuff, seriously. The boy needed a bedside table for his alarm clock, which doesn't quite fit on the windowsill. We found one for six dollars, and then for laughs, I checked out the wedding dresses.

Yes, I'm looking at used dresses. I am very leery of buying someone else's karma, but beggars can't be choosers and our plan is to bring this thing in for less than the cost of some of these dresses I see in the magazines. Who knows? I might find a real treasure. So far all I've found is a series of reminders that I am a woman of curves and bridal designs hate me. This Goodwill had a beautiful silk dress - with SLEEVES! - that was fully lined, covered in lace and seed pearls, and had a long, beautiful train. It was also a size 10. I haven't been size 10 since I WAS ten.

However, it had a veil headband. Not satisfied with being the only one taking silly pictures today, Jimmy made me try it on.

I'm going to get you for this later, honey.

Thus ends today's fall through the rabbit-hole. It's a strange place, Wedding Wonderland. It's a land where it actually seems sane to charge people a dollar a napkin for a color other than white, a dollar fifty per person to pour water into their cups and that doesn't include a 20 percent surcharge to pay the waiters... wait, didn't I just pay them a dollar fifty for water alone? That ridiculous pile you see up there in front of Jimmy (the one with the stupid fan) is our attempt to cull the flyers and brochures and coupons into something like a manageable pile, while we also realize we can't have twelve people up front with us at the altar without expanding the church walls, and as much as we want to, we cannot invite all 2,000 people on our Facebook friends lists to this shindig. At some point, sanity must prevail.

Which probably means I'm going to quietly remove that silly panini press from the registry as soon as he goes to bed...