Dear Nutbars of Bridal World:
I am not going to your "dinner bridal show."
It's over. You can't win me back. No matter how many spammy emails you send me begging over and over, we're not getting back together. Once I liked you pretty well, but you have sent me six emails this week alone begging me to go to this "dinner bridal show." Pro tip: One more email probably qualifies as stalking.
Look, I like bridal shows, as silly as they are. I haven't gone to one yet where I didn't come away with a deal or an idea worth saving. My fiance even likes the bridal shows, in defiance of gender stereotypes and the laws of physics. But we are still not going to your "dinner bridal show."
Want to know why?
Twenty dollars per person, that's why.
I find it beyond offensive that you want us to pay money for the privilege of listening to your sales pitch. I have seen your reception hall, and it is lovely. I have attended events there, and the food is tasty. If we could afford your outlandish prices, you'd be in the top ten choices for our reception.
But we are inundated with ads and sales pitches for our wedding, and none are more insistent than the reception venues. Everywhere we turn, someone wants us to give them our money, even when they find out how laughably small the budget will be. We don't need to pay for the privilege of a hard sell; all it took was signing up on The Knot and attending one (free) bridal show, and our email, phone and address is on everyone's list. Hell, after this shindig is over I'm probably going to have to burn that email address.
Twenty dollars a head? Here's a news flash for you, Nutbars of Bridal World: If my fiance and I intend to blow forty bucks on a dinner, it would be a nice steakhouse with soft lighting and cloth napkins. Sure, you'll put on a nice spread, and I bet we'd have a good time watching you try to sell us on your reception hall.
But in the end, we'd be paying you for the privilege of listening to your pitch. Maybe that makes sense in the weird and wacky Bridal World, but I have sufficient self-respect not to fall for it.
Enjoy your shindig. Call me when the pitch is free.
Tuesday, June 25, 2013
Thursday, June 20, 2013
Pre-nniversary
It's a little bit of heartsick, even as it's kind of sweet.
Today is June 20, 2013. Our plan was to wed on June 20, 2014. Today would be our one-year pre-nniversary.
Unfortunately, Jimmy and I know now that we will have to postpone our wedding. We already had a seriously long engagement, but there are a lot of reasons for that. Now we have a few more.
One of the biggest reasons we decided to be engaged for two years was money. No, we are not having a big wedding - in fact, it's a pretty small affair. But there are still some minimum costs. It may not sound like much when you put down the numbers, but when you consider how little we make and how much teenagers eat, you realize it takes a long time to save even a small amount of money.
But there are other reasons for a long engagement. It isn't just about flowers and rice, you know. It's about preparing to be married. Both of us have done this before, and we know the devastation of divorce much too well. We do not want to rack up another disaster - we've already got three between us. We decided to be engaged for a long time to prepare ourselves emotionally and spiritually to be married.
Spiritually: that's a part that no one really talks about. We were in a bookstore some months ago, and I remarked that there were tons of books on planning a wedding, and plenty more books on how to catch a man (only two on how to catch a woman, both sleazy), lots of books on fixing your broken marriage and surviving your divorce. I couldn't find a single book on preparing for marriage, not in a religious sense or the secular.
Our priest recently retired, and our church won't have even an interim priest until the end of the summer. Our premarital counseling is required by our faith, and we will need approval from both the priest and the bishop in order to be married in the church after divorce. That takes time, too.
Still, we had a plan. We would go through all our preparations together, save our pennies and get the banns stamped by the church. Then we'd snag our tax returns next winter and marry in June.
But Jimmy was laid off for a while, and that hit us hard. He's thankfully employed again, but at a much lower salary. I've started my photo shop to raise money, which is helping to make up the shortfall, but we were getting nervous. Still, we thought we'd just downscale our plans to fit a lower budget.
However, we've been informed that one of the people in our wedding party can't travel in June. Sticking to our original date means losing him from the wedding - he wouldn't even be able to attend, much less don a tux. And it's absolutely horrible timing for my father and stepmother; that's the month they are planning to move halfway across the state after their retirement. We couldn't have picked a worse time for them to help us celebrate our marriage.
So Jimmy and I reluctantly came to the conclusion that we will have to postpone the wedding. The date of June 20 means a lot to us, so I briefly floated the idea of waiting until the following June 20, in 2015. Jimmy's head spun around and he began speaking in tongues, so I figured that meant NO. August, maybe. Or September. Possibly a Saturday afternoon, now that we're not tied to that particular Friday night.
Still, there's a bit of bittersweet today. My email inbox is full of helpful reminders from The Knot and other wedding sites that today is one year until my wedding! Here's a list of things to do this month! Not so much, Knotheads.
Anniversaries are important. Grumps may complain that they're just excuses for Hallmark to exist, like Mother's Day and Valentine's Day. But anyone who's ever been married knows how easy it is for days to become weeks to become months and suddenly you realize it's been forever since you remembered to say "I love you" to the one sleeping next to you, and much longer since you really looked at her and saw her. The people we live with seem to fade into the furniture, and taking someone you love for granted is much too easy in the hustle of everyday life.
Anniversaries help us remember, and so do the Hallmark Holidays. They remind us to take a moment, to share a memory or two, to really look at each other and marvel that someone is in your life. It may be the anniversary of your wedding, the anniversary of your first kiss or your first date or the moment you first looked at her and felt that strange sensation in the pit of your stomach, like the world just turned under your feet. Next month it will be the anniversary of our moment before the castle, when Jimmy tripped on something and fell down to one knee in a magic land with glitter in the air. That's a memory worth keeping.
So now we need to pick our next anniversary, the big one. And we'll pick it for sane and practical reasons, but keeping in mind always that this step is bigger than lace doilies and cake, people. It's more important than the party, as much fun as that will be. It's a sacrament, a binding intended for lifetime, and it's worth preparing for properly - and celebrating with our family and friends.
Happy pre-nniversary, love. Even if it isn't.
Today is June 20, 2013. Our plan was to wed on June 20, 2014. Today would be our one-year pre-nniversary.
Unfortunately, Jimmy and I know now that we will have to postpone our wedding. We already had a seriously long engagement, but there are a lot of reasons for that. Now we have a few more.
One of the biggest reasons we decided to be engaged for two years was money. No, we are not having a big wedding - in fact, it's a pretty small affair. But there are still some minimum costs. It may not sound like much when you put down the numbers, but when you consider how little we make and how much teenagers eat, you realize it takes a long time to save even a small amount of money.
But there are other reasons for a long engagement. It isn't just about flowers and rice, you know. It's about preparing to be married. Both of us have done this before, and we know the devastation of divorce much too well. We do not want to rack up another disaster - we've already got three between us. We decided to be engaged for a long time to prepare ourselves emotionally and spiritually to be married.
Spiritually: that's a part that no one really talks about. We were in a bookstore some months ago, and I remarked that there were tons of books on planning a wedding, and plenty more books on how to catch a man (only two on how to catch a woman, both sleazy), lots of books on fixing your broken marriage and surviving your divorce. I couldn't find a single book on preparing for marriage, not in a religious sense or the secular.
Our priest recently retired, and our church won't have even an interim priest until the end of the summer. Our premarital counseling is required by our faith, and we will need approval from both the priest and the bishop in order to be married in the church after divorce. That takes time, too.
Still, we had a plan. We would go through all our preparations together, save our pennies and get the banns stamped by the church. Then we'd snag our tax returns next winter and marry in June.
But Jimmy was laid off for a while, and that hit us hard. He's thankfully employed again, but at a much lower salary. I've started my photo shop to raise money, which is helping to make up the shortfall, but we were getting nervous. Still, we thought we'd just downscale our plans to fit a lower budget.
However, we've been informed that one of the people in our wedding party can't travel in June. Sticking to our original date means losing him from the wedding - he wouldn't even be able to attend, much less don a tux. And it's absolutely horrible timing for my father and stepmother; that's the month they are planning to move halfway across the state after their retirement. We couldn't have picked a worse time for them to help us celebrate our marriage.
So Jimmy and I reluctantly came to the conclusion that we will have to postpone the wedding. The date of June 20 means a lot to us, so I briefly floated the idea of waiting until the following June 20, in 2015. Jimmy's head spun around and he began speaking in tongues, so I figured that meant NO. August, maybe. Or September. Possibly a Saturday afternoon, now that we're not tied to that particular Friday night.
Still, there's a bit of bittersweet today. My email inbox is full of helpful reminders from The Knot and other wedding sites that today is one year until my wedding! Here's a list of things to do this month! Not so much, Knotheads.
Anniversaries are important. Grumps may complain that they're just excuses for Hallmark to exist, like Mother's Day and Valentine's Day. But anyone who's ever been married knows how easy it is for days to become weeks to become months and suddenly you realize it's been forever since you remembered to say "I love you" to the one sleeping next to you, and much longer since you really looked at her and saw her. The people we live with seem to fade into the furniture, and taking someone you love for granted is much too easy in the hustle of everyday life.
Anniversaries help us remember, and so do the Hallmark Holidays. They remind us to take a moment, to share a memory or two, to really look at each other and marvel that someone is in your life. It may be the anniversary of your wedding, the anniversary of your first kiss or your first date or the moment you first looked at her and felt that strange sensation in the pit of your stomach, like the world just turned under your feet. Next month it will be the anniversary of our moment before the castle, when Jimmy tripped on something and fell down to one knee in a magic land with glitter in the air. That's a memory worth keeping.
So now we need to pick our next anniversary, the big one. And we'll pick it for sane and practical reasons, but keeping in mind always that this step is bigger than lace doilies and cake, people. It's more important than the party, as much fun as that will be. It's a sacrament, a binding intended for lifetime, and it's worth preparing for properly - and celebrating with our family and friends.
Happy pre-nniversary, love. Even if it isn't.
Tuesday, March 5, 2013
Engaged Encounters
Being engaged isn't just about flowers and dresses. We put a lot of effort into planning a wedding, and those silly magazines are full of pretty pictures. But that can distract from the real purpose of engagement: the emotional preparation for being married.
I know people who are engaged only about three months and whee! They're married! To each his own, I suppose, but I wonder if they even have time to comprehend what they're doing before they waltz down the aisle. There's a statistic I read in a book titled Committed: A Skeptic Makes Peace With Marriage, and I cannot remember the exact numbers. But it turns out that 50-percent stat is a little misleading. Your odds of divorce are catastrophically higher if you marry in your 20s - on the order of 90 percent, I think - and go down the older you are when you get married.
Is that because you're stupid in your 20s? Well... yes. The older you are, the more likely you are to know who you are, what you want and be more focused on living the rest of your life with someone than cake and centerpieces. It's easy to get swept up in the romantic stuff, to be so overwhelmed with tulle and lace that you shortchange yourself on the things you really should be doing to prepare for your marriage.
In fact, that's one of the criticisms of the whole wedding concept. "A wedding is a day; a marriage is forever!" they yell. This is true, even if it is kind of a killjoy - hey, weddings are fun! And expensive, and preparing for them is complicated. But the other stuff - that's the really important part. That's part of why Jimmy and I decided to wait nearly two years: we have both done this dance before, and we are not lining up for another divorce.
Here's the frustrating thing, for me: I want to do this right. I was just as interested in premarital preparation as I was in finding a good deal on tuxedo rentals. I knew that the Episcopal Church does a version of Engaged Encounter that is quite helpful for preparing couples to be married, and I looked up the local version.
All Catholic. Every local session of Engaged Encounter was Catholic, and we might be next door to a Catholic Church, but we aren't allowed. I'm pretty sure they don't have sessions on marriage after divorce, you know? So I called the Episcopal diocese, and they had no idea what I was talking about. I contacted a friend who worked for another diocese, and he said he had not heard of any such program.
I know I'm not nuts. (Well, not too nuts.) I went through this program with my first husband. It wasn't the full weekend, just a Saturday session, but it was better than nothing. I remember little about it except that we had to draw each other's family tree, and I was terrible at figuring out his family. Heaven save me if they make me do that for Jimmy; he is related to half the state of Tennessee. But the full Engaged Encounter is a weekend retreat, in which the couple spends time with other couples and with spiritual advisers talking about the mental and emotional aspects of binding yourself to another person for the rest of your life.
Finally we appealed to a priest who has been cheerleading for us since he met us a few months ago. He made a few inquiries on our behalf. It seems the best option for an engagement preparation weekend he could find is in central Florida.
Wow. Everywhere I turn, somebody wants to help me pick out lace and floral arrangements. I'm deluged with emails for invitations and china patterns and photo booths. But to me, the most important part of being engaged is our mental and emotional preparation for a lifelong commitment: to love, honor and cherish each other until we are parted by death, including the sharing of a toothpaste tube and not stealing the covers. This is serious stuff.
It seems there should be at least as many opportunities for an Engaged Encounter as there are for interviewing florists.
We can't afford central Florida, much as we'd like to go back to the scene of the crime. And we continue to search for a weekend program that will let us attend. If I have to, I'll find a workbook for the damn thing and book us for a quiet weekend on a lake somewhere, to watch the sunset, wax philosophic and talk about all the things we're supposed to discuss before we take the biggest step of our lives.
Hey, if we have to do it ourselves, we can skip the whole family tree thing. I'll make him remember my birthday instead. Here's a hint, babe: it's this month.
I know people who are engaged only about three months and whee! They're married! To each his own, I suppose, but I wonder if they even have time to comprehend what they're doing before they waltz down the aisle. There's a statistic I read in a book titled Committed: A Skeptic Makes Peace With Marriage, and I cannot remember the exact numbers. But it turns out that 50-percent stat is a little misleading. Your odds of divorce are catastrophically higher if you marry in your 20s - on the order of 90 percent, I think - and go down the older you are when you get married.
Is that because you're stupid in your 20s? Well... yes. The older you are, the more likely you are to know who you are, what you want and be more focused on living the rest of your life with someone than cake and centerpieces. It's easy to get swept up in the romantic stuff, to be so overwhelmed with tulle and lace that you shortchange yourself on the things you really should be doing to prepare for your marriage.
In fact, that's one of the criticisms of the whole wedding concept. "A wedding is a day; a marriage is forever!" they yell. This is true, even if it is kind of a killjoy - hey, weddings are fun! And expensive, and preparing for them is complicated. But the other stuff - that's the really important part. That's part of why Jimmy and I decided to wait nearly two years: we have both done this dance before, and we are not lining up for another divorce.
Here's the frustrating thing, for me: I want to do this right. I was just as interested in premarital preparation as I was in finding a good deal on tuxedo rentals. I knew that the Episcopal Church does a version of Engaged Encounter that is quite helpful for preparing couples to be married, and I looked up the local version.
All Catholic. Every local session of Engaged Encounter was Catholic, and we might be next door to a Catholic Church, but we aren't allowed. I'm pretty sure they don't have sessions on marriage after divorce, you know? So I called the Episcopal diocese, and they had no idea what I was talking about. I contacted a friend who worked for another diocese, and he said he had not heard of any such program.
I know I'm not nuts. (Well, not too nuts.) I went through this program with my first husband. It wasn't the full weekend, just a Saturday session, but it was better than nothing. I remember little about it except that we had to draw each other's family tree, and I was terrible at figuring out his family. Heaven save me if they make me do that for Jimmy; he is related to half the state of Tennessee. But the full Engaged Encounter is a weekend retreat, in which the couple spends time with other couples and with spiritual advisers talking about the mental and emotional aspects of binding yourself to another person for the rest of your life.
Finally we appealed to a priest who has been cheerleading for us since he met us a few months ago. He made a few inquiries on our behalf. It seems the best option for an engagement preparation weekend he could find is in central Florida.
Wow. Everywhere I turn, somebody wants to help me pick out lace and floral arrangements. I'm deluged with emails for invitations and china patterns and photo booths. But to me, the most important part of being engaged is our mental and emotional preparation for a lifelong commitment: to love, honor and cherish each other until we are parted by death, including the sharing of a toothpaste tube and not stealing the covers. This is serious stuff.
It seems there should be at least as many opportunities for an Engaged Encounter as there are for interviewing florists.
We can't afford central Florida, much as we'd like to go back to the scene of the crime. And we continue to search for a weekend program that will let us attend. If I have to, I'll find a workbook for the damn thing and book us for a quiet weekend on a lake somewhere, to watch the sunset, wax philosophic and talk about all the things we're supposed to discuss before we take the biggest step of our lives.
Hey, if we have to do it ourselves, we can skip the whole family tree thing. I'll make him remember my birthday instead. Here's a hint, babe: it's this month.
Why do it again?
I have been asked just why I would want to get married again, after two marriages that crashed and burned. Good question! Now let's see if I can come up with a good answer.
First, let me tell all of you that I had to think long and hard about this. I did not want to jump into another marriage without giving it some serious thought and soul searching. But the more I got to know Elizabeth and have fallen more and more in love with her, I realized that she was the one I was meant to be with my entire life.
It is such a wonderful thing, being with someone who is a geek just like you. Elizabeth loves science fiction, horror, and going to geek conventions. What more can someone ask for? A big plus is that she is also a writer and we can bounce story ideas off each other. Granted... her ideas are way better than mine, and I have no problem saying that. But it is a good feeling talking to someone that, you know, gets it!
We don't always agree on the things we like. I love the Big G, Godzilla. Elizabeth can't stand the films. Well... she likes the... GAG!... American-made Godzilla movie. You know, the one with the lizard that did NOT breathe fire and who was taken out by two stupid missiles. YUCK! She thinks the costume in the new Man Of Steel movie coming out doesn't matter. I think you shouldn't mess with tradition and stick to what the original looked like.
Well, even when you are in love you don't always have to agree on everything. But I think that is the one thing I love most about her. Even though we don't see eye-to-eye on everything, we do our best not to let it get in the way of our love for one another.
I feel like I can be myself around her, and go all geeky about something and not be made fun of or made to feel like I'm stupid about a subject that I like. Trust me, it's not a good feeling when it happens. So I know that I am with a very special person, one that is worth any risk to be with and someone that I would gladly take the walk down the aisle to marry.
I love her. With all of my heart and soul, I love her. And I can't wait until the day we are husband and wife. It will be the best thing to happen to me since my kids were born. I thank God everyday that she is in my life.
I will be honored to do it again. I look forward to spending the rest of my life with her, as her husband. My Star...
First, let me tell all of you that I had to think long and hard about this. I did not want to jump into another marriage without giving it some serious thought and soul searching. But the more I got to know Elizabeth and have fallen more and more in love with her, I realized that she was the one I was meant to be with my entire life.
It is such a wonderful thing, being with someone who is a geek just like you. Elizabeth loves science fiction, horror, and going to geek conventions. What more can someone ask for? A big plus is that she is also a writer and we can bounce story ideas off each other. Granted... her ideas are way better than mine, and I have no problem saying that. But it is a good feeling talking to someone that, you know, gets it!
We don't always agree on the things we like. I love the Big G, Godzilla. Elizabeth can't stand the films. Well... she likes the... GAG!... American-made Godzilla movie. You know, the one with the lizard that did NOT breathe fire and who was taken out by two stupid missiles. YUCK! She thinks the costume in the new Man Of Steel movie coming out doesn't matter. I think you shouldn't mess with tradition and stick to what the original looked like.
Well, even when you are in love you don't always have to agree on everything. But I think that is the one thing I love most about her. Even though we don't see eye-to-eye on everything, we do our best not to let it get in the way of our love for one another.
I feel like I can be myself around her, and go all geeky about something and not be made fun of or made to feel like I'm stupid about a subject that I like. Trust me, it's not a good feeling when it happens. So I know that I am with a very special person, one that is worth any risk to be with and someone that I would gladly take the walk down the aisle to marry.
I love her. With all of my heart and soul, I love her. And I can't wait until the day we are husband and wife. It will be the best thing to happen to me since my kids were born. I thank God everyday that she is in my life.
I will be honored to do it again. I look forward to spending the rest of my life with her, as her husband. My Star...
Saturday, January 26, 2013
Paper Dolls, Life Size Edition
The people at the wedding shows are starting to recognize us. That probably means we're going to too many, but honestly, we always seem to come away with something else free or a new idea. I'll stop going when it stops helping, I suppose. This recent one we attended in part because it was a chance to show Jimmy the Gateway Center room we were considering (awesome, but way too expensive with their food) and because a baker who can do castle cakes would be there.
The baker was recommended to us by the Dillards saleslady, and we both fell in love with the castle cakes on her web site. A close examination of her cakes on display told us she was quite talented, and her cake tastes good, too. Unfortunately, she is also on the high end for cost. Still, she's the first we've seen that does castles, and since Jimmy chose the bridge in front of Cinderella Castle to trip on something and ask me to marry him, we've got this whole fairytale thing going on.
That, and Jimmy's all about the free cake. He carries the bag full of surprisingly heavy weddingshit at the shows, and bounces from caterer to baker to candymaker snagging free samples. He discovered calamari at this show, and then tried to kiss me tasting like squid. Bleech! I smacked him with the long-stemmed red rose one of the florists gave me. Don't worry, no thorns.
The show was notable for two other reasons. First, the fashion show was at least 65 percent plus-size models. Yaaaaay! Nothing has been so annoying in this process (besides the part where we're broke) as the skewed size of the dresses. I get that a majority of brides doing the traditional thing are in their early twenties and have not yet borne a child, but even when I met that description, I still had hips, dammit.
Champagne & Lace Bridal apparently understands that the average American woman is a size 14, not 4. I let them sucker me into making an appointment (which I usually avoid at all costs) because their gowns are clearly designed for adults. I don't know what they'll cost, but it's worth a try.
The other notable item at the show was a horse-drawn carriage service. I couldn't help myself; I grabbed a flyer. Sensing a sucker, the salesman (in full carriage-driver costume) offered to let me sit in it. As Jimmy and I sat in the carriage, he leaned over and said, "Let me give you my sales pitch, then you can tell me I'm full of it." I liked him immediately. His pitch was good, and both of us instantly fell in love with the idea: a nice quiet sunset ride in a horse-drawn carriage after the ceremony to take a breather together before delivering us to the reception.
I knew it was just a pipe dream, that we're supposed to be cutting costs out of the wedding, not adding costs to it. We got out of the carriage and I sighed, putting the flyer in the bag. Then Jimmy surprised me by saying, "Oh, we gotta do that." I reminded him that the budget is too high anyway, and he insisted: it was perfect, and it fit the whole fairytale theme. He really really wanted it! I shook my head and said, "Okay, where do we find another $350?"
Still working on that part.
The next day was my appointment at David's Bridal. Yes, I know. DB is the Wal-mart of the Wedding Wonderland. High-pressure sales, service by assembly line and inferior products, or so the articles say. But you know what? I haven't yet found a dress shop selling wedding gowns for women in my size under $500. I've found a web site or two that sells in my size, but you have to order from a catalog and pay in full before you get to actually try on the dress, and trust that if you hate it or it looks awful on you, you can return it. Maybe. Sort of. If the moon is in alignment.
I know that probably I'll get my dress from a consignment shop or used on eBay. At first I was worried about buying someone else's bad karma, but I'm getting over that as I see the prices. Cruising the dress shops is important so I can see what I like and what looks good on my figure shape, so that when I find a good buy online or used, I know whether I should jump on it. As I told Jimmy, if I buy a used dress for $100 and it looks lousy, I can always resell it and try again. Buying a $500 dress from a shop is decidedly non-returnable.
I've also learned that once we tell vendors we're trying to do a whole wedding on $5,000, they lose interest in us fast. Therefore, I have patented the line, "We aren't sure what the budget will be yet. We've got 18 months to go, so we're testing out all our options to figure out how much we need to save."
That's the line I gave David's Bridal. The one I liked the most was a quasi-Renaissance V-front style with red detailing and inset. I can order it in ivory with dark blue detailing, which I've seen on their site and it's just gorgeous. The only thing I didn't like about it was that it was strapless, and I want some kind of lace over my shoulders unless I plan to do pushups for the next eighteen months.
Apparently David's Bridal will add lace straps or sleeves in a variety of styles for $39, including the cost of the alteration. That price seems a little too good to be true. All the seamstresses I know live far away! Anyone know if that's standard?
The next dress kicked off Jimmy's waterworks. Okay, I love the man and I know he acts all gruff and silent and tough-guy with his leather jacket that weighs forty pounds. (No kidding, the coat-check kid at the bridal show remarked that Jimmy's coat weighs a ton. I think it's lined with lead sheeting.) But anyone who knows him at all figures out quick that Jimmy is a giant marshmallow who sniffles at the end of sappy movies and is prone to snuggly hugs.
I tried this dress on twice, and each time he teared up when I stepped out. This amused Johanna the Saleslady very much. I liked it quite a bit, though I'm not entirely sold on the bodice. It's kind of... busty. But that didn't seem to bother Jimmy. (Shaddup.)
The next dress I liked quite a bit in the store, even though it's a very plain dress until you add the floor-length coat thingie. Look, what do I know from dresses? I barely remember shopping for a dress the first time, and that was fifteen years ago in a galaxy far far away.
This one (above) looked a lot better in person than it did in the pictures. But that wouldn't be important, right? After all, who's really going to be taking my picture wearing this dress.... wait.
The next one was Johanna the Saleslady's idea, and it turned out to make the short list. I wasn't all that interested in halter dresses, but this one nearly made me a convert. It's a size too small, but they don't always have samples in my size.
All this time, Johanna the Saleslady was wrangling me in and out of dresses, not to mention about sixty yards of undergarments - apparently there needs to be about eight layers of fabric between my ass and the air. I was barefoot, since I haven't bought shoes yet and after all, we're not hemming anything.
Here's something I now know about dress shopping: I will wear my Birkenstocks. I don't care if they're clunky and will look silly with the dresses - nobody can see them anyway. After two and a half hours on my bare feet with and without miles and miles of white satin wrapped around my bod, my poor dogs were barking. Also: I am so not wearing heels to my wedding.
While I was playing paper doll with me as the doll, Jimmy got sneaky. He went over to the headpiece rack and selected a lovely tiara. Then he made me wear it.
Sneaky McMarshmallow was using my phone to take pictures and kept posting them to Facebook, in between his sniffles. Apparently there is strong public reaction to me in a tiara. I still think I look silly, but hey, it's important to Jimmy. Not princess, mind you - queen. We are not buying this one - seems that price tag stuck in my hair there says $200, so that'll be an eBay item for sure. Jimmy put it back very carefully.
Once we were done, they wrote up a list of the dresses I liked and their prices. I was dismayed that every one of them was double my ballpark budget, and the one I liked most, the Renaissance dress, was $599. Johanna the Saleslady also told me it's about to be discontinued. I figured that means a) it's going away and might be discounted to $99 next month because that's what DB does, b) it's going away and I'll just have to be screwed because I don't have $600 in the wedding fund right now, or c) it's not going anywhere and that was Johanna the Saleslady's desperate attempt to get me to buy something on the first trip.
I'll be really disappointed if it's (c), because I quite liked Johanna the Saleslady. She was sweet and helpful, shared my disdain for "Say Yes to the Dress," gave all sorts of advice (such as the best place to find a longline bustier in my *ahem* size) and really had a good eye for picking things I liked. I don't suppose I'd blame her, either, since I'm sure DB puts major pressure on their salesladies and it's not so great for her to spend two hours with someone who doesn't buy yet. It's all beside the point: the Renaissance dress would have to be a special order, and I can't afford it now or later unless there's a serious price cut. *kicks can* Still, should I end up buying a dress at DB, I'll make sure Johanna gets the credit - and I'm almost positive they'll be our choice for bridesmaid dresses.
Since I had the day off, Jimmy and I decided to make it a Weddingshit Day. We went to ArtMart and checked out the relative costs for do-it-yourself wedding invitations - that little project will consume my life and probably make me insane, but I'll do almost anything to save money. We went to Macy's to fix a problem with the registry (and I still managed to keep him from scanning a panini press). We went to Nordstrom's on Johanna the Saleslady's advice and got the price on the longline bustier. One more item for the budget. *sigh*
And we spent a lot of time talking about what we want. Things like invitations and a full plated dinner aren't as important as spending time with our friends. And we had a great example that evening: a birthday ball for my dear friend Rebekah. She'd rented an American Legion ballroom, had hors d'oeuvres and desserts, cash bar and a DJ. It was a wonderful time! People sat and talked, danced, sang along, laughed. Pictures were taken and friends were hugged.
At one point I looked around and told Jimmy, "This is all we need. A room, tables and chairs, munchies and dessert. As much as I'd love to waltz across a stately ballroom while our guests dine on prime rib, if it's just snacks and cake, I'm still marrying you." I hope he actually heard me over the music, because he nodded yes. On the other hand, maybe he's just doing that by reflex now.
I haven't talked much about this other part, but I have to mention it: I am really floored by the kind people who are offering their services as a gift. I won't put them on the spot - yet - but there are wonderful talented people who will be a part of our wedding and they are kind enough to do it for the love, as they say in the publishing biz. I have known it for many years, but these people have reminded me again and again that I am truly blessed beyond imagining in friendship. Thank you all, in advance.
Also, I am totally getting Jimmy to wear the tiara at least once. And that photo's going on Facebook too.
The baker was recommended to us by the Dillards saleslady, and we both fell in love with the castle cakes on her web site. A close examination of her cakes on display told us she was quite talented, and her cake tastes good, too. Unfortunately, she is also on the high end for cost. Still, she's the first we've seen that does castles, and since Jimmy chose the bridge in front of Cinderella Castle to trip on something and ask me to marry him, we've got this whole fairytale thing going on.
That, and Jimmy's all about the free cake. He carries the bag full of surprisingly heavy weddingshit at the shows, and bounces from caterer to baker to candymaker snagging free samples. He discovered calamari at this show, and then tried to kiss me tasting like squid. Bleech! I smacked him with the long-stemmed red rose one of the florists gave me. Don't worry, no thorns.
The show was notable for two other reasons. First, the fashion show was at least 65 percent plus-size models. Yaaaaay! Nothing has been so annoying in this process (besides the part where we're broke) as the skewed size of the dresses. I get that a majority of brides doing the traditional thing are in their early twenties and have not yet borne a child, but even when I met that description, I still had hips, dammit.
Champagne & Lace Bridal apparently understands that the average American woman is a size 14, not 4. I let them sucker me into making an appointment (which I usually avoid at all costs) because their gowns are clearly designed for adults. I don't know what they'll cost, but it's worth a try.
The other notable item at the show was a horse-drawn carriage service. I couldn't help myself; I grabbed a flyer. Sensing a sucker, the salesman (in full carriage-driver costume) offered to let me sit in it. As Jimmy and I sat in the carriage, he leaned over and said, "Let me give you my sales pitch, then you can tell me I'm full of it." I liked him immediately. His pitch was good, and both of us instantly fell in love with the idea: a nice quiet sunset ride in a horse-drawn carriage after the ceremony to take a breather together before delivering us to the reception.
I knew it was just a pipe dream, that we're supposed to be cutting costs out of the wedding, not adding costs to it. We got out of the carriage and I sighed, putting the flyer in the bag. Then Jimmy surprised me by saying, "Oh, we gotta do that." I reminded him that the budget is too high anyway, and he insisted: it was perfect, and it fit the whole fairytale theme. He really really wanted it! I shook my head and said, "Okay, where do we find another $350?"
Still working on that part.
The next day was my appointment at David's Bridal. Yes, I know. DB is the Wal-mart of the Wedding Wonderland. High-pressure sales, service by assembly line and inferior products, or so the articles say. But you know what? I haven't yet found a dress shop selling wedding gowns for women in my size under $500. I've found a web site or two that sells in my size, but you have to order from a catalog and pay in full before you get to actually try on the dress, and trust that if you hate it or it looks awful on you, you can return it. Maybe. Sort of. If the moon is in alignment.
I know that probably I'll get my dress from a consignment shop or used on eBay. At first I was worried about buying someone else's bad karma, but I'm getting over that as I see the prices. Cruising the dress shops is important so I can see what I like and what looks good on my figure shape, so that when I find a good buy online or used, I know whether I should jump on it. As I told Jimmy, if I buy a used dress for $100 and it looks lousy, I can always resell it and try again. Buying a $500 dress from a shop is decidedly non-returnable.
I've also learned that once we tell vendors we're trying to do a whole wedding on $5,000, they lose interest in us fast. Therefore, I have patented the line, "We aren't sure what the budget will be yet. We've got 18 months to go, so we're testing out all our options to figure out how much we need to save."
That's the line I gave David's Bridal. The one I liked the most was a quasi-Renaissance V-front style with red detailing and inset. I can order it in ivory with dark blue detailing, which I've seen on their site and it's just gorgeous. The only thing I didn't like about it was that it was strapless, and I want some kind of lace over my shoulders unless I plan to do pushups for the next eighteen months.
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| Just imagine this in ivory, with dark blue inset, and without the goofy grin. |
Apparently David's Bridal will add lace straps or sleeves in a variety of styles for $39, including the cost of the alteration. That price seems a little too good to be true. All the seamstresses I know live far away! Anyone know if that's standard?
The next dress kicked off Jimmy's waterworks. Okay, I love the man and I know he acts all gruff and silent and tough-guy with his leather jacket that weighs forty pounds. (No kidding, the coat-check kid at the bridal show remarked that Jimmy's coat weighs a ton. I think it's lined with lead sheeting.) But anyone who knows him at all figures out quick that Jimmy is a giant marshmallow who sniffles at the end of sappy movies and is prone to snuggly hugs.
I tried this dress on twice, and each time he teared up when I stepped out. This amused Johanna the Saleslady very much. I liked it quite a bit, though I'm not entirely sold on the bodice. It's kind of... busty. But that didn't seem to bother Jimmy. (Shaddup.)
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| Look, Ma! Sleeves! Almost kinda ... okay, they are pretend sleeves... |
The next dress I liked quite a bit in the store, even though it's a very plain dress until you add the floor-length coat thingie. Look, what do I know from dresses? I barely remember shopping for a dress the first time, and that was fifteen years ago in a galaxy far far away.
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| Note the distressed bride in the background. I thought it was a perfectly nice dress. |
The next one was Johanna the Saleslady's idea, and it turned out to make the short list. I wasn't all that interested in halter dresses, but this one nearly made me a convert. It's a size too small, but they don't always have samples in my size.
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| Hey, I'm four pounds down this month. Let's call that progress. |
Here's something I now know about dress shopping: I will wear my Birkenstocks. I don't care if they're clunky and will look silly with the dresses - nobody can see them anyway. After two and a half hours on my bare feet with and without miles and miles of white satin wrapped around my bod, my poor dogs were barking. Also: I am so not wearing heels to my wedding.
While I was playing paper doll with me as the doll, Jimmy got sneaky. He went over to the headpiece rack and selected a lovely tiara. Then he made me wear it.
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| I cannot keep a straight face in this thing. |
Once we were done, they wrote up a list of the dresses I liked and their prices. I was dismayed that every one of them was double my ballpark budget, and the one I liked most, the Renaissance dress, was $599. Johanna the Saleslady also told me it's about to be discontinued. I figured that means a) it's going away and might be discounted to $99 next month because that's what DB does, b) it's going away and I'll just have to be screwed because I don't have $600 in the wedding fund right now, or c) it's not going anywhere and that was Johanna the Saleslady's desperate attempt to get me to buy something on the first trip.
I'll be really disappointed if it's (c), because I quite liked Johanna the Saleslady. She was sweet and helpful, shared my disdain for "Say Yes to the Dress," gave all sorts of advice (such as the best place to find a longline bustier in my *ahem* size) and really had a good eye for picking things I liked. I don't suppose I'd blame her, either, since I'm sure DB puts major pressure on their salesladies and it's not so great for her to spend two hours with someone who doesn't buy yet. It's all beside the point: the Renaissance dress would have to be a special order, and I can't afford it now or later unless there's a serious price cut. *kicks can* Still, should I end up buying a dress at DB, I'll make sure Johanna gets the credit - and I'm almost positive they'll be our choice for bridesmaid dresses.
Since I had the day off, Jimmy and I decided to make it a Weddingshit Day. We went to ArtMart and checked out the relative costs for do-it-yourself wedding invitations - that little project will consume my life and probably make me insane, but I'll do almost anything to save money. We went to Macy's to fix a problem with the registry (and I still managed to keep him from scanning a panini press). We went to Nordstrom's on Johanna the Saleslady's advice and got the price on the longline bustier. One more item for the budget. *sigh*
And we spent a lot of time talking about what we want. Things like invitations and a full plated dinner aren't as important as spending time with our friends. And we had a great example that evening: a birthday ball for my dear friend Rebekah. She'd rented an American Legion ballroom, had hors d'oeuvres and desserts, cash bar and a DJ. It was a wonderful time! People sat and talked, danced, sang along, laughed. Pictures were taken and friends were hugged.
At one point I looked around and told Jimmy, "This is all we need. A room, tables and chairs, munchies and dessert. As much as I'd love to waltz across a stately ballroom while our guests dine on prime rib, if it's just snacks and cake, I'm still marrying you." I hope he actually heard me over the music, because he nodded yes. On the other hand, maybe he's just doing that by reflex now.
I haven't talked much about this other part, but I have to mention it: I am really floored by the kind people who are offering their services as a gift. I won't put them on the spot - yet - but there are wonderful talented people who will be a part of our wedding and they are kind enough to do it for the love, as they say in the publishing biz. I have known it for many years, but these people have reminded me again and again that I am truly blessed beyond imagining in friendship. Thank you all, in advance.
Also, I am totally getting Jimmy to wear the tiara at least once. And that photo's going on Facebook too.
Tears of love.
It has been a busy week for Elizabeth and me when it comes to the wedding. Thursday night we went to a really cool wedding show at the Gateway Center. A whole lot of vendors were there showing off their services.
And you know what that means. You guessed it. CAKE! But that isn't they only reason I go to these things. (Although it is a pretty good reason.) I go to these shows to support Elizabeth and to let her know that I want to be involved in this wedding as much as possible. Granted, it doesn't matter to me what color the tablecloths are, but I want to at least be able to talk to Elizabeth about it and show her that I want her to be happy with whatever color we finally decide on.
Now here was something that was funny. Some of these vendors are starting to recognize us! There were more than a couple that saw us and remembered us. I thought that was really funny that these people are that good at remembering people they met at these show. But I guess that's part of their job to do those things.
The coolest thing the two of us saw at the show was a white horse-drawn carriage. It looked so awesome, and we even got to sit in it. We fell in love with it and I know one thing, one way or the other we are going to have this for our wedding. Elizabeth deserves something like this. Plus it goes really well with the whole fairytale thing we got going on.
But the funniest thing that happened at the show was I got to try out calamari. You know, fried squid. Man! That stuff was good! I have never tried it before and I really liked it. The only thing was that Elizabeth refused to kiss me after I ate it and called me squid face. Mean!
On Friday, we went to David's Bridal so Elizabeth could try on dresses. I know some people are thinking, why do this now? The wedding is next year. That might be true, but Elizabeth is wanting to try on stuff now to get an idea of what she likes and just what the prices are for the dresses.
Yeah, I know I'm not supposed to see her in the dress before the big day. I don't think it will hurt anything for me to see her dressed up. I mean, come on, this isn't like going to Olive Garden to eat lunch. THAT is a big taboo for me. LOOOOOOONG STORY.
She tried on a very beautiful wedding dress that was white with a red inlay in the front. It looked like it was from the Renaissance era. It was very beautiful on her. She wanted the color of the dress to be ivory with a blue inlay. My God...that would be so wonderful on her.
She tried on a few more dresses and each one made her look so beautiful and lovely. With each dress, I cried tears of love and happiness seeing her in those lovely dresses. Crying now just thinking about it.
But something was missing to make it look even better. I went and found the display of tiaras and picked one out and brought it over to where she was trying on the dresses. After she put it on, she looked like a beautiful queen out of a story book. I took several pictures of her in the dresses and the tiara. I put them up on Facebook and the comments rolled in. Everyone agreed that Elizabeth looked lovely in the tiara.
So now it is a done deal. She has to wear one for the wedding now. COOL! I get to marry my queen on the wedding day.
And you know what that means. You guessed it. CAKE! But that isn't they only reason I go to these things. (Although it is a pretty good reason.) I go to these shows to support Elizabeth and to let her know that I want to be involved in this wedding as much as possible. Granted, it doesn't matter to me what color the tablecloths are, but I want to at least be able to talk to Elizabeth about it and show her that I want her to be happy with whatever color we finally decide on.
Now here was something that was funny. Some of these vendors are starting to recognize us! There were more than a couple that saw us and remembered us. I thought that was really funny that these people are that good at remembering people they met at these show. But I guess that's part of their job to do those things.
The coolest thing the two of us saw at the show was a white horse-drawn carriage. It looked so awesome, and we even got to sit in it. We fell in love with it and I know one thing, one way or the other we are going to have this for our wedding. Elizabeth deserves something like this. Plus it goes really well with the whole fairytale thing we got going on.
But the funniest thing that happened at the show was I got to try out calamari. You know, fried squid. Man! That stuff was good! I have never tried it before and I really liked it. The only thing was that Elizabeth refused to kiss me after I ate it and called me squid face. Mean!
On Friday, we went to David's Bridal so Elizabeth could try on dresses. I know some people are thinking, why do this now? The wedding is next year. That might be true, but Elizabeth is wanting to try on stuff now to get an idea of what she likes and just what the prices are for the dresses.
Yeah, I know I'm not supposed to see her in the dress before the big day. I don't think it will hurt anything for me to see her dressed up. I mean, come on, this isn't like going to Olive Garden to eat lunch. THAT is a big taboo for me. LOOOOOOONG STORY.
She tried on a very beautiful wedding dress that was white with a red inlay in the front. It looked like it was from the Renaissance era. It was very beautiful on her. She wanted the color of the dress to be ivory with a blue inlay. My God...that would be so wonderful on her.
She tried on a few more dresses and each one made her look so beautiful and lovely. With each dress, I cried tears of love and happiness seeing her in those lovely dresses. Crying now just thinking about it.
But something was missing to make it look even better. I went and found the display of tiaras and picked one out and brought it over to where she was trying on the dresses. After she put it on, she looked like a beautiful queen out of a story book. I took several pictures of her in the dresses and the tiara. I put them up on Facebook and the comments rolled in. Everyone agreed that Elizabeth looked lovely in the tiara.
So now it is a done deal. She has to wear one for the wedding now. COOL! I get to marry my queen on the wedding day.
Saturday, January 19, 2013
Wedding Wonderland
Today wasn't actually supposed to be an all-day fall down the wedding rabbit-hole, but it turned out that way.
We had a very simple plan: pick up a dresser in Belleville (I love Craigslist) and go by Savvi Formalwear for paperwork, because I stood in a phone booth and grabbed money.
A little explanation is required here.
Back last fall, my stepmother Karen and I went to a bridal show so I could scout prices. We spied the booth for Savvi Formalwear, and they had a glass phone booth in which air blowers were circulating wadded-up bills. Brides entered and had fifteen seconds to grab money.
Karen practically shoved me into the thing, mostly because she wanted to see my hair flying around in the wind, I swear. Rather than grab at flying dollar bills like an idiot, I just cupped my arms above my waist and let it accumulate for fifteen seconds. Then I dumped the armful into the lady's bin and watched them count it.
Silly me, I thought I'd get to keep the money. No, the $180 I'd grabbed was my credit toward our rentals at Savvi. I was losing interest, but they told me with five rentals I'd get a groom's tux free, and that caught my attention because we are on the hook for three tuxes: Jimmy's and both sons. They had Karen once they said we'd also get two free airline tickets; see, Karen and Dad have offered to buy our honeymoon as their wedding present, so that works out nicely for them. Karen tossed them the $20 deposit to hold this deal, and we wandered away.
Fast forward to last week, when Savvi called me. They said we needed to come in and sign papers for our deal, and that would cement our free airline tickets. Now, I still don't believe for a second that we're really getting two free tickets to the Caribbean out of this. The most important thing I have learned from the wedding wonderland is that there is always some catch preventing them from giving me whatever spectacular deal is advertised on a giant banner at a bridal show. There's going to be some provision that we can only use the tickets on Tuesdays during Ramadan or something.
Still, we wanted to do our best to save Dad and Karen money. So after we picked up the dresser, we went to Savvi for our paperwork.
Jimmy may not care about most of the wedding nonsense, but he cares about the tuxedo. He wanted black tails, the most traditional of menswear. It's kind of funny that he is such a super-traditionalist in all things, whereas I'm pretty much "yeah, whatever." Whether it's awful wedding marches, men in tails or his insistence that he is going to carry me over the threshold like we haven't been living together for a year and a half, he is Mr. Tradition.
The funny thing is, traditional tails are very out of fashion. Last year we'd checked out other places, because catching dollar bills in mid-air is a silly way to choose a vendor. Men's Wearhouse told us that they hadn't booked a wedding in tails all year. They also told us we could choose between a free tux for the groom or a $500 credit toward a suit, which sounded like a fine deal until you realize their suits started at about $800.
Savvi dug out the tails, all two varieties, and Jimmy chose what he wanted. At first we put the vest and coat on Ian, but the blue Superman T-shirt kind of ruined the effect.
The salesgirl then dressed a dummy in the dark blue vest and coat, and it looked really spiffy. Of course, a dark blue vest was only if we could match it to the bridesmaid dresses I haven't picked at a store I haven't chosen for bridesmaids we haven't asked yet. Thank goodness it's not carved in stone.
Jimmy changed his mind when he saw the gray vest with the black tux, and it was really quite dashing. Ian even managed to contain his snark; apparently he thinks the tails will make them look like waiters.
Then I had a little fun taking pictures of the lady measuring Jimmy for his tux. We did not bother to have her measure Ian, since he will probably grow a foot taller before the wedding.
Then she had to measure that barrel chest of his.
Then she had to measure his leg. Awkward. I'm being mean, she was very sweet and helpful and I'm sure there was a very good reason for this stance...
Jimmy is forbidden to wear a Godzilla T-shirt under his tux at the wedding. I shall instruct the groomsmen thusly.
"Can you breathe, sir?" I'm pretty sure he can, since it fits fine, but he's still at attention. Those funky stripes are not on his tux, by the way - this is the special fitting tux that tells them how long his arms are, so he can't flap his wings and fly away.
Poor Jimmy. Don't worry, I'll humiliate myself later.
We did get into a bit of a wrangle with the Savvi people. It seems that since tails are so far out of fashion, they're considered a "value" tux, and thus the cheapest. Awesome! Except they can't apply further discounts to value tuxes, such as my $180 bridal show catch.
That's when I lost my sense of humor fast, as this is about the fifteenth time a good deal has been reneged at the last minute, and I keep walking away. I told them that wasn't declared to me at the show, where I had mentioned the tails, and that the show credit was the reason we chose them. Killing the credit when we have to cover three tuxes took my costs from $40 to $200, and that's unacceptable. Perhaps guessing that they were losing me fast, they conferred quickly and made me a great deal: the boys for $20 each as well as Jimmy's freebie. That, folks, is how you keep a customer.
We signed on the dotted line. We have booked our first vendor. It also made Karen's long-ago $20 deposit nonrefundable, so I guess that means we really have to go through with this thing.
We grabbed a quick Starbucks while Ian quickly ditched us to go "do his thing." Which pretty much means shopping for things he can't afford while not being seen with boring grownups. We skimmed over the little bag of freebies Savvi gave us - we don't seem to be able to walk into or out of a store without a bag of free stuff, folks.
The most ludicrous item yet: a fan that displays the shiny laser name of some real estate company.
We spied a special deal: register at Dillard's and you'll get a $25 gift card. Now, we're already registered at Macy's and Bed Bath & Beyond, plus the Gift 360 thing that lets us combine everything on one page. Three department stores seems a little over-the-top. But we are craven opportunists and can't resist a freebie. Plus there are a few things we didn't find at the other places, like a comforter set that doesn't make my eyeballs scream and roll back in my head trying to hide.
So we meandered over to Dillard's, and the friendly people there put a scanner in Jimmy's hand. This is his favorite part. Scan, beep and glow: the little registry screen shows what we just scanned. His mad cackle echoed through the housewares department. Scan scan scan! Panini press, waffle maker, that ludicrous KitchenAid stand mixer with five billion attachments... That man is a danger with a scanner in his hand.
We did the whole china thing again, figuring this way people can pick which store they want. Or something. It's not like we actually expect to get anything; but it's kind of fun to plan. Hey, if nothing else it gives me a wish list for future Christmases and birthdays. Hint hint, Jimmy. (Though the panini press is ridiculous, dear.)
Finally we escaped the mall and were passing Jared Jewelry. We had been there months ago, right after the engagement, and picked out a ring I liked. Again, we needed to know what things would cost, so we could save. We stopped at Jared on impulse, and were pleased to see that the lovely ring we picked out before is still available (though $50 more expensive than it was last year).
We looked at wedding bands, with a little more freedom now; Jimmy was working with heavy machinery at the factory, so we thought a tungsten or cobalt ring was all he could have. Now he can have anything, and scanning through the case he stopped and said, "HEY." Nothing has caught his eye in this whole process as much as the ring he saw: a lovely ornate band with lots of detailed scrollwork. Funny; out of all the men's rings, that's the one I liked best, too. I had thought it too ornate for his style, yet it was the one he picked out.
Naturally we asked the price. "$99," she said. I thought I had heard her wrong and asked her to repeat it. Turns out it's a stainless steel ring, so it's supercheap. Bingo. I think I'm definitely getting the better deal here. We are not buying yet, but it's good to know what we can get and how cheap we can get it.
Speaking of cheap, our next stop was Goodwill. Not for wedding stuff, seriously. The boy needed a bedside table for his alarm clock, which doesn't quite fit on the windowsill. We found one for six dollars, and then for laughs, I checked out the wedding dresses.
Yes, I'm looking at used dresses. I am very leery of buying someone else's karma, but beggars can't be choosers and our plan is to bring this thing in for less than the cost of some of these dresses I see in the magazines. Who knows? I might find a real treasure. So far all I've found is a series of reminders that I am a woman of curves and bridal designs hate me. This Goodwill had a beautiful silk dress - with SLEEVES! - that was fully lined, covered in lace and seed pearls, and had a long, beautiful train. It was also a size 10. I haven't been size 10 since I WAS ten.
However, it had a veil headband. Not satisfied with being the only one taking silly pictures today, Jimmy made me try it on.
Thus ends today's fall through the rabbit-hole. It's a strange place, Wedding Wonderland. It's a land where it actually seems sane to charge people a dollar a napkin for a color other than white, a dollar fifty per person to pour water into their cups and that doesn't include a 20 percent surcharge to pay the waiters... wait, didn't I just pay them a dollar fifty for water alone? That ridiculous pile you see up there in front of Jimmy (the one with the stupid fan) is our attempt to cull the flyers and brochures and coupons into something like a manageable pile, while we also realize we can't have twelve people up front with us at the altar without expanding the church walls, and as much as we want to, we cannot invite all 2,000 people on our Facebook friends lists to this shindig. At some point, sanity must prevail.
Which probably means I'm going to quietly remove that silly panini press from the registry as soon as he goes to bed...
We had a very simple plan: pick up a dresser in Belleville (I love Craigslist) and go by Savvi Formalwear for paperwork, because I stood in a phone booth and grabbed money.
A little explanation is required here.
Back last fall, my stepmother Karen and I went to a bridal show so I could scout prices. We spied the booth for Savvi Formalwear, and they had a glass phone booth in which air blowers were circulating wadded-up bills. Brides entered and had fifteen seconds to grab money.
Karen practically shoved me into the thing, mostly because she wanted to see my hair flying around in the wind, I swear. Rather than grab at flying dollar bills like an idiot, I just cupped my arms above my waist and let it accumulate for fifteen seconds. Then I dumped the armful into the lady's bin and watched them count it.
Silly me, I thought I'd get to keep the money. No, the $180 I'd grabbed was my credit toward our rentals at Savvi. I was losing interest, but they told me with five rentals I'd get a groom's tux free, and that caught my attention because we are on the hook for three tuxes: Jimmy's and both sons. They had Karen once they said we'd also get two free airline tickets; see, Karen and Dad have offered to buy our honeymoon as their wedding present, so that works out nicely for them. Karen tossed them the $20 deposit to hold this deal, and we wandered away.
Fast forward to last week, when Savvi called me. They said we needed to come in and sign papers for our deal, and that would cement our free airline tickets. Now, I still don't believe for a second that we're really getting two free tickets to the Caribbean out of this. The most important thing I have learned from the wedding wonderland is that there is always some catch preventing them from giving me whatever spectacular deal is advertised on a giant banner at a bridal show. There's going to be some provision that we can only use the tickets on Tuesdays during Ramadan or something.
Still, we wanted to do our best to save Dad and Karen money. So after we picked up the dresser, we went to Savvi for our paperwork.
Jimmy may not care about most of the wedding nonsense, but he cares about the tuxedo. He wanted black tails, the most traditional of menswear. It's kind of funny that he is such a super-traditionalist in all things, whereas I'm pretty much "yeah, whatever." Whether it's awful wedding marches, men in tails or his insistence that he is going to carry me over the threshold like we haven't been living together for a year and a half, he is Mr. Tradition.
The funny thing is, traditional tails are very out of fashion. Last year we'd checked out other places, because catching dollar bills in mid-air is a silly way to choose a vendor. Men's Wearhouse told us that they hadn't booked a wedding in tails all year. They also told us we could choose between a free tux for the groom or a $500 credit toward a suit, which sounded like a fine deal until you realize their suits started at about $800.
Savvi dug out the tails, all two varieties, and Jimmy chose what he wanted. At first we put the vest and coat on Ian, but the blue Superman T-shirt kind of ruined the effect.
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| As you can see, Ian is absolutely thrilled about this part of the process. |
Jimmy changed his mind when he saw the gray vest with the black tux, and it was really quite dashing. Ian even managed to contain his snark; apparently he thinks the tails will make them look like waiters.
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| I personally can't wait for their rendition of "Puttin' on the Ritz," in the best Mel Brooks style. |
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| It's been a long time since Jimmy was in the military, but for some reason he decided it was a good day to stand at attention. Hut! |
Then she had to measure that barrel chest of his.
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| I'm still pretty sure he's not breathing |
Then she had to measure his leg. Awkward. I'm being mean, she was very sweet and helpful and I'm sure there was a very good reason for this stance...
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| Jimmy has no idea why she made him perform a Nazi salute. |
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| You're not supposed to be able to tell that he's still wearing the Godzilla T-shirt underneath this. |
Jimmy is forbidden to wear a Godzilla T-shirt under his tux at the wedding. I shall instruct the groomsmen thusly.
"Can you breathe, sir?" I'm pretty sure he can, since it fits fine, but he's still at attention. Those funky stripes are not on his tux, by the way - this is the special fitting tux that tells them how long his arms are, so he can't flap his wings and fly away.
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For the love of God, darling, it's just the first fitting, breathe!! |
Poor Jimmy. Don't worry, I'll humiliate myself later.
We did get into a bit of a wrangle with the Savvi people. It seems that since tails are so far out of fashion, they're considered a "value" tux, and thus the cheapest. Awesome! Except they can't apply further discounts to value tuxes, such as my $180 bridal show catch.
That's when I lost my sense of humor fast, as this is about the fifteenth time a good deal has been reneged at the last minute, and I keep walking away. I told them that wasn't declared to me at the show, where I had mentioned the tails, and that the show credit was the reason we chose them. Killing the credit when we have to cover three tuxes took my costs from $40 to $200, and that's unacceptable. Perhaps guessing that they were losing me fast, they conferred quickly and made me a great deal: the boys for $20 each as well as Jimmy's freebie. That, folks, is how you keep a customer.
We signed on the dotted line. We have booked our first vendor. It also made Karen's long-ago $20 deposit nonrefundable, so I guess that means we really have to go through with this thing.
We grabbed a quick Starbucks while Ian quickly ditched us to go "do his thing." Which pretty much means shopping for things he can't afford while not being seen with boring grownups. We skimmed over the little bag of freebies Savvi gave us - we don't seem to be able to walk into or out of a store without a bag of free stuff, folks.
The most ludicrous item yet: a fan that displays the shiny laser name of some real estate company.
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| I cannot make this up. |
We spied a special deal: register at Dillard's and you'll get a $25 gift card. Now, we're already registered at Macy's and Bed Bath & Beyond, plus the Gift 360 thing that lets us combine everything on one page. Three department stores seems a little over-the-top. But we are craven opportunists and can't resist a freebie. Plus there are a few things we didn't find at the other places, like a comforter set that doesn't make my eyeballs scream and roll back in my head trying to hide.
So we meandered over to Dillard's, and the friendly people there put a scanner in Jimmy's hand. This is his favorite part. Scan, beep and glow: the little registry screen shows what we just scanned. His mad cackle echoed through the housewares department. Scan scan scan! Panini press, waffle maker, that ludicrous KitchenAid stand mixer with five billion attachments... That man is a danger with a scanner in his hand.
We did the whole china thing again, figuring this way people can pick which store they want. Or something. It's not like we actually expect to get anything; but it's kind of fun to plan. Hey, if nothing else it gives me a wish list for future Christmases and birthdays. Hint hint, Jimmy. (Though the panini press is ridiculous, dear.)
Finally we escaped the mall and were passing Jared Jewelry. We had been there months ago, right after the engagement, and picked out a ring I liked. Again, we needed to know what things would cost, so we could save. We stopped at Jared on impulse, and were pleased to see that the lovely ring we picked out before is still available (though $50 more expensive than it was last year).
We looked at wedding bands, with a little more freedom now; Jimmy was working with heavy machinery at the factory, so we thought a tungsten or cobalt ring was all he could have. Now he can have anything, and scanning through the case he stopped and said, "HEY." Nothing has caught his eye in this whole process as much as the ring he saw: a lovely ornate band with lots of detailed scrollwork. Funny; out of all the men's rings, that's the one I liked best, too. I had thought it too ornate for his style, yet it was the one he picked out.
Naturally we asked the price. "$99," she said. I thought I had heard her wrong and asked her to repeat it. Turns out it's a stainless steel ring, so it's supercheap. Bingo. I think I'm definitely getting the better deal here. We are not buying yet, but it's good to know what we can get and how cheap we can get it.
Speaking of cheap, our next stop was Goodwill. Not for wedding stuff, seriously. The boy needed a bedside table for his alarm clock, which doesn't quite fit on the windowsill. We found one for six dollars, and then for laughs, I checked out the wedding dresses.
Yes, I'm looking at used dresses. I am very leery of buying someone else's karma, but beggars can't be choosers and our plan is to bring this thing in for less than the cost of some of these dresses I see in the magazines. Who knows? I might find a real treasure. So far all I've found is a series of reminders that I am a woman of curves and bridal designs hate me. This Goodwill had a beautiful silk dress - with SLEEVES! - that was fully lined, covered in lace and seed pearls, and had a long, beautiful train. It was also a size 10. I haven't been size 10 since I WAS ten.
However, it had a veil headband. Not satisfied with being the only one taking silly pictures today, Jimmy made me try it on.
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| I'm going to get you for this later, honey. |
Which probably means I'm going to quietly remove that silly panini press from the registry as soon as he goes to bed...
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